Ever since the globalization of Pizza, mankind has spared no time in garnishing the Italian delicacy with all manners of inflammatory ingredients. None, however, have been as widely contended in recent memory as durian’s weird stepbrother that dropped out of Community College: pineapple. It would seem as if everyone and anyone, from Keanu Reeves to Chef Gordon Ramsay, has offered their opinion on whether the berry deserves inclusion or not, contributing to an increasingly loud cacophony of opinions that seemingly is without end. When you consider that the internet is characterized by idiosyncratic memes and trends that are gone just as fast as they appear, that’s saying something!
But as debates as to whether or not the saccharine fruit belongs on pizza continue to boil over, we blind ourselves to a much more pressing, serious matter – does pineapple belong on games?
As repulsive as some people might find the idea of eating pineapple and pizza at once, the fact of the matter is that once the act of ingesting it is done, it is no longer an “issue.” By eating pineapple pizza, one can completely wipe it from existence, chemically transforming it through the gastric juices of our stomach into helpful nutrients and unrecognizable detritus. Games, however, lack this affordance: as 99.9% of all games are inedible, one is forced to live with the prospect of having pineapple on top of games for as long as it is required.
Thus, I decided to take it upon myself to put pineapple on top of various games, to determine whether the combination was a blight upon this earth unworthy of humanity’s senses, or a pleasant idea that significantly enrichens the games it involves.
CASE 1: Pineapple on Kirby’s Epic Yarn for the Nintendo Wii
For my first trial, I decided to indulge in a video game character that likely has few qualms about eating pineapple on pizza: Kirby. The little pink puffball that has been gracing Nintendo systems since the early 1990s is characterized by his voracious, indiscriminate appetite, thanks to his ability to inhale vast quantities of food and other objects in the blink of an eye. Surely, I thought, Kirby’s adventures on the Nintendo Wii would be the perfect medium for me to place pineapple on top of.
Unfortunately, it was not to be. The moment that I laid the pineapple on top of the game’s instruction booklet, the pineapple’s juices began to seep into it like a plague, seemingly outdoing even Kirby’s own destructive abilities. Meanwhile, the surface of the game’s case and disk were quickly overrun by the vile liquid, transforming into minute, sticky swamps of saccharine turmoil. While I was ultimately able to salvage all three components, I couldn’t even fathom Kirby himself gulping down on this concoction.
CASE 2: Pineapple on Sonic the Hedgehog Spinball for the Sega Genesis
After the previous disaster, I decided that perhaps what I needed was a change of pace – instead of a modern video game released in relatively recent memory, how about a video game from the medium’s golden era? Sonic the Hedgehog Spinball was thus my next candidate. I had high hopes for this one: not only was Sonic the kind of critter that I could imagine enjoying pineapple, out of some sort of misconstrued belief that it’s high in ‘tude, the Genesis case itself seemed to be of much higher physical constitution than the Wii’s flimsy white pap.
Sadly, my hopes were quickly dashed when the pineapple’s juices began to spread themselves across each piece’s body, mucking up Sonic’s characteristic grin. Within minutes, the blue blur had transitioned from a rad rodent brimming with energy into a sad rat begging for sweet, sweet release.
I did the best I could.
VERDICT: NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO.
Case 3: Pineapple on The Magic School Bus Explores the Human Body for Windows PC
At this point, I was beginning to fade in and out of consciousness, until it hit me – why am I still putting pineapple on video games designed purely to entertain people, when I could put it on something that educates as well? After all, Pineapples may be sweet and regularly consumed alongside dessert, but they contain a healthy amount of vitamin C and dietary fiber. Surely The Magic School Bus, a franchise designed to both titillate and educate one’s mind in equal measure, would be the perfect pairing for pineapple. The game even deals with the subject food and how it’s digested by the human body!
Well…ladies and gentlemen, I am sad to report that, unlike the previous two images, the above image you’re looking at is the last record of The Magic School Bus Explores the Human Body before it was wiped from existence. Whereas the previous two candidates were able to withstand the pineapple’s onslaught thanks to their sheer physical volume, the smallness of The Magic School Bus’ case’s real estate could not hope to weather the fruit’s assault. By the time I realized what was happening, the game had been almost entirely atomized.
Rest in Peace, The Magic School Bus Explores the Human Body for Windows PC.
VERDICT: APPROACH WITH EXTREME CAUTION.
Case 4: Pineapple on The Goonies II for the Nintendo Entertainment System
I have no recollection as to how putting pineapple on The Goonies II went, as I blacked out shortly after placing the last chunk on. I conjecture that it wasn’t good, as both the game and the cartridge were crawling in maggots and covered in what appeared to be ancient Sumerian text written in human blood when I awoke.
VERDICT: GET A MOBILE QUARANTINE FACILITY.
Case 5: Pineapple on E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600
With my options running out, I decided that I needed to do something drastic if I was going to get out of this piece alive: I was going to put pineapple on E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial for Atari 2600. Yes, that E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, the infamously bad video game that supposedly sunk Atari and single-handedly caused the video game industry crash of 1983. While such claims are obviously exaggerated for effect, I figured that it would be the perfect object on which to balance out the pineapple’s wickedness. After all, a negative and a negative make a positive together, right?
Well…sort of. On one hand, the moment I began placing the pineapple on the game, my copy of The Goonies II, which I had sequestered inside my freezer so that it couldn’t infect anyone, began screaming; by the time I had placed the last chunk of pineapple on E.T., Goonies II had been completely exorcised from this world. (However, it burned a hole in my freezer when it caught on fire; I’ll have to deal with that later).
On the other hand, it really badly stained the game’s instruction manual, which some claim actually explains how to play the game.
Please, oh please, let the next one work! What if I put pineapple on a sport next instead of a video game? Would that work? Would that work???
VERDICT: INFORM THE MILITARY.
Case 6: Pineapple on Tennis
The pineapple fell through the tennis racket.
The pineapple fell through the tennis racket.
VERDICT: BURY INSIDE LEAD AND WAIT 40,000-60,000 YEARS.
Case 7: Pineapple on a Hula Hoop
At a glance, pineapple on a hula-hoop actually looks vaguely appealing; the hoop’s purple coloring complements the pineapple’s yellowness well, and unlike the previous six cases, the pineapple is distributed rather evenly along the hoop, thanks to the latter’s simplistic, circular shape.
Unfortunately, trying to pick up the hula hoop reveals practical issues, as almost all the pineapple immediately slides off and starts melting holes into the ground beneath it. Moreover, while it can be argued that none of the previous games investigated in this article are particularly sanitary receptacles to eat pineapple off of, the hula hoop is especially egregious, as it is the object most likely to be covered with human body sweat and dirt.
OK, I think it’s time to call it quits. After all that action, I’m out of ideas, dead tired, and oddly low on blood. I’m going to put all this behind me and have a nice, hot pizza to celebrate.
VERDICT: GAME OVER.